Le Journale

I recall some lines from Stuck In Love movie. I kind of like this kind of movie. It is far from grand or complex plot twists, yet it offers you a meaning, of course in understanding more about love. But I'm not going to talk about the movie. You can always enjoy Nat Wolff and Lily Collins anytime you want. "You've never been in love?" "If love is setting a place at a table for someone who’s never coming home, I think I’ll pass." In that line, Lily plays a daughter whose parents have been divorced, but her dad always places the table as if his wife would come back home and have dinner with all of them. It is kind of sad. When you think you have love, acting so arrogant because of it without realizing whether it is unrequited one or not.  So yeah, common sense is important. The reason why people come with ratio and stuff is because we should use it. What is the function of your love towards someone if it turned out unrequited? What would you do wi...

No, I'm not cutting myself now. In fact, I'm trying to fix my brain while reading this hashtag going viral on the internet. And I am like laying here on my bed, with my teenage lil sister beside me screaming like, hell no, I would hurt myself for him! I prefer loving the idea of him going solo than trapping in the high-pitch note section for the rest of my career life. Don't you think? My little sister then imagines herself worshipping this new Zayn in similar image with Cody Simpson or even Justin Bieber. But then I warn her, do not ever say that on internet. You would be banished by a lot of cray fan girls sending you hateful comments and stuff. And she was like, hell no, I would be afraid with them. If only they can use their mind to think before cutting their hands  that what matters for them is the happiness of him, only him! If that is his choice, why bother? It doesn't mean his life would end! It is just he is welcoming his former self as Zayn Malik, a 22 youn...

What am I without art? Oh, yes. I do understand that I am not an artist. I am not an art maker either. But I know how to use art as the home for all of the bitterness feelings I encounter in this joking life. Okay, life is a joke because you have to play such roles with personal traits that are demanded to perform. Which one is the real you, when you have a lot of faces and expressions to show? As for me, I am more becoming myself when I am freed to do what I want to, including doing art like this. I know I am not a pro, but at least I know a lot of god damn things about it. Instead of knowing only for less stuff. (Hah!) What a waste of your time! Chase knowledge while you can!

Time flies too fast I could barely grasp a sip of fresh air. I owe times a lot of times? Technically because I wasted it all being a sluggish fat ass. I almost have no time in continuing Jane Eyre.  I am usually hooked up with classic works the way Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility did to me. I read these masterpiece of Jane Austen only in a week. But Jane Eyre is different. I could hardly say I am hooked up by the way Charlotte Bronte tells the story. It's just too slow for me. But the language is somehow idyllic. Still, I could not abandon it. I am curious enough to see what would happen to Jane living in Thornfield with the love she carries for her master, Mr. Rochester. And since it is classic, so I could say the story shares similar things with previous works I mentioned above, which basically tells about the love between different classes. Mr. Rochester is a nobleman, while Jane is the governess for Adele Varens, the child from one of his mistress, Celine Var...

Here is to the future, because I'm done with the past! Even to scream that line loudly still hurts somehow... What is it to look for in the past? It doesn't offer anything else but morose, fed-up feelings of people, memories that are upsetting.  It's just too hard to let go negative feelings, because there are also happiness in it. Or maybe I was just so good in giving gratitude? I honestly don't understand. But it is hard to let go the past. I'm a hoarder of feelings and that's sucks.

I really don't need to hold back anymore. Let it goooo let it goooo

After compiling my thesis which talks about gender and sex partially, I have now come to a decision that gender is an illusion. What makes a person a woman depends on how she performs the personal traits run by society. Let's say a person is a boyish girl who have grown up with male dominance. Apart from her sex, which is entailed since she was born, her decision to create her gender is determined by the environment, or in this case is the male dominance which encircles her. This theory is perfected by Judith Butler, who comes with a new gender theory, Gender Performativity.  To say a person is a woman (not female, it is for sex), is determined by his/her performances. If she tends to do masculine performances, then unconsciously she is on her way in creating her own gender; being a man. Although it is against her sex, but that is gender. It is learnt and socially structured. No one is born with gender. So it is agreeable to say gender is an illusion.  I talk about th...

Just had opportunity to post a news! And I can proudly say I am a bachelor in English literature now! I had the thesis examination last Wednesday, and I made it! I could pass, hopefully with excellent grades! Amen to that. Meanwhile, I made this to heal the pain I've been carrying these days. If only I can categorize this kind of pain as a certain curable pain, I would never feel this suffer. But yeah, life can be a bitch, most of the time. So just deal with it. And everyday is a leap of faith. Be ready to be surprised! Oh, some colors to color up your life.

“It’s easy to feel like you don't care for when people are not even able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And yeah, it is so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they’re doing doesn't even cross their mind. They aren't inherently bad or uncaring — they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing on your part. It doesn't make you unlovable or invisible. It just means that those people aren't very good at looking beyond their own world. But the fact that you are — that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others — is a strength. Your work isn't to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the conn...

Roald Dahl: I think probably kindness is my number one attribute in a human being. I’ll put it before any of the things like courage or bravery or generosity or anything else. Brian Sibley: Or brains even? Roald Dahl: Oh gosh, yes, brains is one of the least. You can be a lovely person without brains, absolutely lovely. Kindness - that simple word. To be kind - it covers everything, to my mind. If you’re kind that’s it. I think it is hard to walk the talk if we want to kill someone using kindness. Either they will use it as our weaknesses, or they will think we are stupid. But in this case, the previous conversation is not about a person who beats us up and ridicules us. I think it is about seeing a new person from his kindness first, then the rest will follow. Cause kindness is always taken as your weakness, or you are just a fake person who licks everybody's ass to get accepted. 

How sad it is to think that when you really truly believe you have a friend in someone, and then they just... don't feel the same towards you. It's heartbreaking isn't it? I thought having friends are like having someone to back you up and such. But then again, maybe I expected too much. And you were like sitting there wondering. What have you done to deserve it after all this time investing so much time and trust to someone... In my case, giving up is the only solution. It's not because I don't care anymore, but because they don't. I may be a person who easily forgive but maybe, I need to stop forgiving and just walking away from this situation, not looking back to those people I have known. Pretending like I wasn't hurt is easy. I have been there for many times. College life ends only in a few months. So I need to give my best and graduate on time. Ganbatte!

What is life actually? All I know about it is full of surprise. Even at this second I'm writing this post, I still could not realize how far I have managed living my life for almost 25 years. Since I was born, went to kindergarten, elementary, junior and senior high school, until now, at this very moment, I am about to face a new graduation thing.  I would face a thesis examination soon! I could not be happier than I am today. In addition to having jolly stuff in my stomach, I feel scared too. It is a new thing. And it is not merely an examination. It is a big deal for me and my family. Whenever I write down 'family' I always have this teary moment 'cause all I want is to be the one to be proud of. To be the source of happiness. To be able to be called as 'the most' one of all.  Now I have been checking my thesis for hours. Like I add some and then remove it down. Like I feel I am in the middle of readiness and unpreparedness. I cannot tell the po...